ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
