Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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