Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
tonight lets celebrate not being married
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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