So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
