hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
