Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
