He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Girls should come with a carfax report
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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