I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
