i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
