Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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