found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
