I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my mouth tastes like poor choices
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
