So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
