Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
now i know why i became what i already was.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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