remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
