Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
