saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize