i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Sober January is a disaster.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
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