there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
