I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
