hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
