Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
