Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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