so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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