Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
