We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
