I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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