I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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