I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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