Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
