apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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