cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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