I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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