he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
