OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
