So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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