maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
