He asked to "fluff my boner.."
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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