For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
