I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
