mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
