I wish my penis had an off switch
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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