i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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