A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
