Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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