So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
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