so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
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You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"