You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I want to make a zoo with you.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality