I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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