shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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