quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
