you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
