Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
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This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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