Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
