Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
