Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
