Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Are my feet made of real feet?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
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I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch