i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.