gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
